Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize