I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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