I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
