I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
