I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
