I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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