I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
