Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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