Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
