I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
