benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
