It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
