New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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