life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
