It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
