My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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