i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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