so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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