Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
