Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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