I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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