So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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