I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
