he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
