I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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