Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
