I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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