I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
