At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
