...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
