i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
honey bunches of taint.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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