my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
