I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
