I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
