Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Randomize
