she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
