You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
