Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
