This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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