Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
