So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
