My friends, they love my intelligence
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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