that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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