he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
