Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
try to milk me bitch
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize