I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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