Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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