My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
