the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You took a bar mat shot.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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