I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
