Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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