Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
