He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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