It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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