Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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