I cannot find my penis.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
