My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
