I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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