I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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